Shoot Me
by fluorescent-adolescent13
Summary: Erin wanted to push the pain away. After Nadia, well, the pain was the only thing reminding her that she was still alive. Jay wanted to bring the feeling back. He would do anything for her. LINSTEAD.
1. Chapter 1

Her breath hitched in her throat. Her eyes widened and she winced slightly as the cool metal brushed the back of her neck. It hadn't only happened a handful of times over the course of her career. She was always careful. The familiar lump in her throat began to form.

"Not a word."

Erin let out a breath as he spoke. She hadn't even realised she'd been holding it in. Instinctively her grip tightened on the gun but she stopped herself, raising her arms slightly and moving them out to each side of her head. She attempted to take a calming breath, inhaling shakily before letting it out again.

You've done this before Erin, you're good, she thought.

"Okay," Erin replied, her voice barely more than a whisper compared to his. Loosening her hold on her own gun, she licked her lips slightly - choosing her next words carefully. "I'm gonna put this down."

She could feel his hands fidget slightly, moving behind her as she moved, crouching to the ground and pushing her weapon away from them both. Erin could sense his nerves, how unsure he was about what he was doing. She was as clueless as him. Turning slowly to face the younger boy, her eyes latched onto his. Nick's hands attempted to steady themselves. Her own were still raised beside her shoulders.

"Nick," she said softly. "Hastings deserves to be punished but this isn't the way."

"You don't think that we've tried everything? Profits over people," Nick spat, pushing his words out before tightly pursing his lips again. She was trying desperately to stop her own hands from shaking thought they protested with each word that he said.

"And now the whole world is going to know," Erin swallowed, shaking her head. There was a flicker in his eyes with her voice, something different from before but his gaze never faltered and his grip tightened further.

"It's not enough," he mimicked her movements, shaking his own head sharply. "Hastings has to die."

Maybe this is it, Erin thought suddenly. She licked her lips again in an attempt to buy herself more time. If it was the end then it wouldn't even matter anyway. Nick would go past her, maybe even make it to the office - prove his point and get his revenge. She wouldn't get revenge. She couldn't if she tried. It was all her fault.

"Sometimes the people we love get hurt and there's nothing that we can do about it. It makes you so angry that you'll do anything to push the pain away. Right?" Erin wanted to push the pain away, she really did, but it had began to engulf her. It filled up her lungs like water, drowning her on dry land, and radiated in her chest with every breath that she took. She wanted to push the pain away. She wanted to feel anything but _this_ pain. "Except it won't bring your cousin back.

It wouldn't bring Nadia back either. Nothing could bring Nadia back.

"...She was like my little sister," Erin nodded unconsciously at his words. Nadia was like her little sister - the sister that she never had. Nick's face crumpled as he spoke, redness rising quickly in his cheeks with tears threatening to fall from his eyes. She was doing her best not to let herself do the same. "I was supposed to look out for her."

Erin felt like her lungs were on fire. "I know."

The image of Nadia's face had began to rest in her her mind. Each time she blinked she was there behind her eyelids. She couldn't even close her eyes anymore without the thought. She had taken the younger girl in, she had helped her, she had loved her. She had gotten her killed.

"I can't be here. I'm wasting time," he said stiffly, regaining what little composure he could. Erin glanced backwards hopefully, praying that her team would appear out of the corner of her eye. He watched her movement, eyes searching in the same direction. His grip shifted on the gun. "I don't have time."

"Nick, look at me," Erin said softly in reply but it was if she was talking to a brick wall. Nothing had registered in the younger boy's brain but she was persistent. "Look at me!"

"He has to die." Nick continued. "He did this. Not a company, one man."

"You're not a killer. You tested negative for gun residue this morning. The only way that happens is if you didn't fire a single shot. You're not a murderer, Nick," Erin replied, shaking her head.

"You people don't understand," his voice caught slightly in his throat. Where were her people? "He covered this up. He KILLED her."

"I know. And we can prove it. This truth is going to come out," Erin said. She didn't even try and hide the desperation in her voice. Nick remained unchanged. "But if you really have to get to Hastings then you're gonna have to get though me first."

"I'm not afraid," he replied after a pause. Erin could practically see the cogs twisting and turning in his head, debating about what his next move would be. His eyes told her everything that she needed to know. Pushing the cool metal suddenly against her forehead, Erin closed her eyes briefly. She inhaled shakily before opening her mouth.

"Then do it already," she sighed, her words coming out like more of a plea and his eyebrows lowered in confusion. "Then shoot me. C'mon. How many people died already? What's one more, right?"

His hands were shaking as much as each breath of air that she took, her chest protesting with each rise and fall. She wouldn't let her own hands shake though, lowering them and fixing them tightly to her hips. He mirrored her. His hands had moved away from in front of her eyes. With each word that she forced out, his arms inched downwards. Without thinking, Erin brought her arms up and rested her fingers over the top of the weapon.

"Shoot me. C'mon Nick," their eye contact never broke. She could see the wetness forming at his eyelid. He clenched his jaw and his face crumpled again. Erin brought the gun down further with each word. She could see his internal conflict, it seethed through his skin. "You wanna kill someone that bad?"

His whole body began to shake. Where were her team?

"YOU WANNA KILL SOMEONE THAT BAD?" she couldn't help but shout, she couldn't control herself. Maybe she wanted to be shot. Maybe she wanted it to all be over. "THEN SHOOT ME." She tightened her grip on Nick's gun and placed it closer to her chest. He couldn't help but let the tears fall. "Get it over with man. Shoot me. Do it."

"I'm sorry."

"C'mon Nick, shoot me. Is that what you want."

It was immediate. He just stopped. There were no more tears, no more shaking. He never let go of the gun though Lindsay's hands were all that were supporting his. Nick wouldn't look away from her eyes, it was as though they were locked together.

"Shoot me," her voice was less than a whisper.

She had barely heard their footsteps. Their words were masked by the sounds of the gunshot.

"Erin!"

She wasn't sure whether she had imagined the voice. She couldn't breath. Her head hit the concrete of the floor sharply and she attempted to inhale as she winced but nothing would go in. She turned her head slightly to the side, looking to where she had just been standing. Nick's eyes were wide open. At first she thought that he was looking at her, she wanted to say something. Anything. His eyes seemed to look right through her, she hadn't even registered the puddle of blood forming by his shoulder.

"Erin!" the voice said again, bringing her back to reality. It was as though everything up to that point had been going in slow motion. A hand moved her head back to face upwards. Voight's face appearing above her own. "You're going to be okay, you're just in shock."

Erin tried to speak but nothing would come out. She could feel the straps of her vest being yanked and it being taken off, raised about her head.

"Your vest protected you, you're okay." his gruff voice spoke again and he placed his hand behind her head. "Shit."

"Ambo's on it's way," Dawson's voice called.

"Just breath Erin, just breath."

She wanted to breath. She wanted to do anything but be lying helplessly on the cold hard ground. She wanted anything for the boy next to her not to be dead. She wanted to push the pain away but honestly, it was the only thing reminding her that she was alive.


	2. Chapter 2

The lights were all that she could see. It stung her eyes. She'd blinked more in the past few minutes than she had in the ambulance.

They flashed above her head as she moved but she couldn't even try and tear her eyes away from them. The last thing that had been in her line of sight, at least that she could remember, was Voight. She had the vague image of paramedics in her mind. She knew that they were there, they had to have been there. The voices around her were barely even noticeable. They surrounded her completely but she couldn't make out any of their words. She could barely breath never mind concentrate on whatever they had to say to her.

Erin couldn't even find the strength to move her arms. Not even slightly. She could feel something on her face but she wanted it to be gone. It was choking her. Constricting her. Keeping her stuck to the gurney underneath her and she couldn't do anything about it at all. In the back of her mind she knew that it was helping. She knew that it was helping her. She was in the hospital after all. They were taking care of her. Erin just felt like she was dying. She wasn't ready.

It had all went black after that. There were no lights or fuzzy noises. The last few flashes of brightness had left her and the darkness had taken over the space behind her eyelids. It was the most peaceful she had felt in a long time. Since even before Nadia. She could breath.

"Hey."

It was a new voice. Clearer. More precise. It was new and Erin recognised it without a second thought. It was safe, she felt safe. She wasn't lying on the bed anymore. Her feet were firmly on the ground below her. Wherever she was.

"Nadia?" her reply came out as barely a whisper, eyebrows furrowed down in confusion. "Am I dead?"

"No," the younger girl said with a small smile, moving towards Erin slowly. "Unless you want to be. It's your choice."

"My choice? Don't give me any of the 'walk towards the light' crap," Erin sighed, turning away. "What about you, what was your choice?"

"It's not that simple."

"I didn't even get to say goodbye Nadia, how much more simple do you need it to be?"

"I guess that bullet didn't affect-"

"I got you killed. I deserve to be dead, not you. So just point me in the right direction and I'll be finished here." Erin said. There was no emotion in her voice. She wanted to look anywhere but the younger girl's face but there was nothing to look at. As far as the eye could see - nothingness.

"Fine," Nadia laughed. "So, you're good just to leave everyone behind then? Voight, Justin, Kelly...even Jay?"

Erin didn't say anything. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to even reply. _Jay._ They would be better off without her. She was born into bad news and it surrounded her wherever she went.

"I want to stay here with you."

"No you don't," the younger girl said instantly.

"Yes, I do."

"You can't just give up Erin, this isn't you. You're a fighter and you know it. You just need to hold on a little bit longer." Nadia said softly, stepping back from the older woman with each word.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

Erin nodded.

* * *

"She has a concussion and a few stitches but the blunt trauma of the bullet broke a few of her ribs and caused a haemothorax. They had to drain her chest. She's going to be okay," Voight finished. His jaw was clenched tightly as he rhymed off her injuries, the words slipping off his tongue with great difficulty. "There's some stuff to clear up back at the district. I think we all just need a break."

"I'll stay with her," Jay said suddenly, standing up from the seat that he had been waiting in. His eyes were red - bloodshot and tired from worry. The wait for news had been more than painful. It had felt like the walls were closing in on his with every second that passed by and he could do nothing about it at all. "Please?"

Hank wanted to argue. For as long as the two had been partners, he would always set boundaries for Jay but he could hear the desperation in his voice - the desperation in his face. "Okay. You are _partners._ " He put emphasis on the final word as he looked to the younger man. It was barely noticeable. None of the others had caught on in the slightest - they were busy gathering their things. Jay heard it, nodding quickly in response.

"What room?"

"274"

"Thanks."

Jay grabbed hold of his hoodie. It had been laying over one of the uncomfortable chairs that he had confined himself to while Erin was being examined. Looking over to Voight and the others that were still there, he turned the corner and headed straight to Erin's room - though he wasn't entirely sure where that was. It took him a minute to find it and he almost had to ask a nurse for directions before decided that he probably shouldn't. He was worried that they would protest his being there but at least he had his badge with him.

He could barely bring himself to open the door when he finally made it there. Pausing for a moment, he rested his forehead against the cool surface and let out a deep breath. He had been holding it in ever since he had heard the gunshot. In the back of his head he knew that Erin was perfectly okay and that she would be perfectly fine but the tightness in his chest persisted. She was in the best possible care, and he knew that, but seeing his partner like this was something that he never wanted to have to do.

Pushing the door open ever so slightly, Jay hesistated for a second before stepping in - closing his eyes and bracing himself for the sight. He tried to make sure that he was being as quiet as possible regardless of the fact that Erin wasn't even conscious. It felt necessary.

Her hair framed her head like a halo, the covers raised up only to her waist.

"Hey," he said softly, pulling a chair over next to the bed and lowering himself down. "You scared me there."

He took her hand in his own, rubbing his thumb over her fingers. Growing up with his brother wanting to become a doctor was annoying at the best of times but he couldn't help but pick up snippets of information here and there. His brother had always been blown away by the idea that unconscious patients could hear everything going on around them. Jay wasn't even sure where to start. What if he said the wrong thing and she heard him. What if he said the right thing but she didn't, and he never plucked up the courage to spit it out again.

"So," he started before pausing again, choosing his next words carefully. "Erin Lindsay, you're something else. You're moody, hard work, annoying, persistent, bossy but best of all you're my partner. So don't ever do that to me again because I don't think I could cope with losing you."

Nothing. There was no movement. No small sign that she was there with him. He squeezed her hand gently and waited for a second, hoping that she would pull on it or something. Anything.

"Give me something Erin," he sighed. "If I told you I loved you would you come back to me?"

 _ **Thank you for reading. Sorry it was such a short chapter. I was surprised that there was such positive feedback so please just keep reviewing and telling me what you want to see happening. For all the people worrying about the lack of Linstead - ya just gotta give it time. Trust me there's plenty to come.**_


	3. Chapter 3

For a few brief moments, when she finally opened her eyes, a sense of panic overcame Erin.

It wasn't fear. At least it didn't feel like fear, and she didn't feel scared. As a kid she had been in and out of the hospital more times than she had eaten hot meals - though that was unsurprising given that she lived with Bunny - and they barely even bothered her anymore. She didn't let them bother her. At least, that's where she figured she was. The hospital.

It was only when the dim light hit her eyes that the sense of uneasiness settled in her chest. She couldn't remember exactly what had happened. She could remember the gunshot and the way that Nick seemed to look right through her, like there was nothing there behind his eyes. Then Nadia. Nadia told her not to give up, to hold on for just a bit longer. It wasn't as easy as she had made it out to be. Erin couldn't shake the feeling that something terrible had happened.

Had something happened to her team? She hadn't seen anyone except Voight when she had hit the deck. She felt like she was being smothered. Erin reached up to her face with her right hand and pulled off the oxygen mask that had been covering her mouth. After a few seconds had passed and the quick gasps had subsided, the steady rhythm of breathing returned. As the feeling disappeared slightly, pain was all that remained in it's place. A constant ache covered her whole body - her chest was burning and her head throbbed with every slight movement that she made.

 _Just breathe_ , Erin told herself. She had been through worse than this and she sure as hell wasn't going to be defeated by this. Pulling the mask back up onto her face, her eyes started to drift away from their view of the ceiling above her head. They darted around, the detective in her shining through despite her condition, looking for any information that her surroundings could give her. There was barely any light at all except for the pale streaks that filtered through the small spaces between the window blinds. They illuminated sections of the floor and the walls but there was barely anything there for her to work with.

Erin knew that light well though. She had spent countless, late nights in it's company as she stared into nothing - the sun setting and rising again outside of her apartment with no notice from her. Erin knew that light all too well.

This was the first time though that she had actually been grateful for it. It caused her breath to catch in her throat again but for all the right reasons this time around. Her eyes wandered over to the figure of the sleeping man next to her. He was slumped uncomfortably, at least that's how it looked, on top of one of the chairs that was next to her bed. Finest hospital quality. One of his arms was draped over the back of the chair while the other was lodged underneath his temple, keeping his head raised.

 _Jay_. Jay was safe. Jay was okay. That was all that she had needed to know. It was unbelievably comforting in that moment; just knowing that he was right there beside her was enough, regardless of what had happened to them. Erin could have watched him sleep all day and judging by the dark circles forming under his eyes, it looked as though he hadn't been sleeping at all. The brunette wanted to call on the nurse and get some relief for the pain in her chest but she didn't want to disturb him even slightly. The constant look of worry that was etched across his face was enough to tell her that he needed all the rest that he could get. She just couldn't help but feel guilty. It was her fault that he had gotten himself into this state. If she weren't here then he wouldn't be exhausted and holding a vigil by her bedside.

Erin knew that it would be exactly the same if the roles were reversed.

The little peace that they both had didn't last as long as she would have hoped. Jay stirred slightly, his face crumpled into a frown and he brought the arm behind him forwards to rub his eyes. Erin could see him wince slightly at the movement.

"Hey," she said quietly, moving the mask away yet again and grimacing slightly at the hoarseness of her voice - though it was nothing in comparison to the pain in her chest. Erin was surprised that he had even heard her considering her words came out as barely more than a whisper. His head shot up immediately and he moved towards her.

"Hey," he replied softly with a small smile. He reached onto the bed and took her hand in his own.

"What did I miss?" Erin smirked slightly and he sighed.

"Very funny," he said. "You scared me."

"Sorry," she spoke again and licked her lips. It was like Jay read her mind in that moment. He stood up, barely letting his fingers drift away from Erin's own as he walked to the bottom of the bed. Reaching towards the bottom of the bed, he picked up a jug and paper cup that had been sitting on the overbed table and poured a small amount of water into it - placing a straw carefully in it before moving back over towards her. "Please."

"I'm serious," Jay replied with a small shake of his head. He leaned over towards her and brought the straw to her mouth. She only managed a few small sips but it quenched her thirst and got rid of the dryness that had been lingering since she had woken up. "You can't go doing that to a guy. I thought I was going to lose you back there. All I heard was a shot. What was I supposed to think?"

"You've always been like my house husband," Erin teased again though Jay only offered a small smile in return. This had taken it out of him. She reached for his hand again once he had put the cup down, brushing against a long unfamiliar tube in the process. She didn't really want to know what it was for. She didn't want one more thing to have to worry about in here. "What's this?"

Jay paused for a second, rubbing his jaw with his free hand and tracing comforting onto the back of her hand with the other. "They had to drain your chest. The bullet fractured a couple of your ribs and your lung was punctured."

"At least I'll have a sweet scar," Erin laughed slightly. Bad decision. It felt as though it vibrated throughout her entire body and she couldn't help but let it show. Her eyebrows furrowed and her lips tightened, her grip around Jay's hand tightening too, until it began to surpass and all she was left with was the ache that she had been dealing with before again.

"Wow, Erin, I should go get the doctor," Jay said quickly and the worried look that he had while sleeping returned.

"No, stay. Please."

"Erin, you're clearly in pain."

"Just for a little bit," she pushed him again until he relented.

"Okay," he nodded his head reluctantly. "But only for a few minutes. I mean it, Lindsay."

It didn't take long until her eyelids began to droop down, despite her protesting and best efforts to stay awake. Jay smirked every time that he saw her nodding off and waking herself back up again. It had only felt like a few seconds since she had let them droop for the third or fourth time, except this time it was the noise of the door closing that brought her back to the conscious world.

"I asked you not to get the doctor, Jay. What the hell?" she spat, ignoring the sharp pain she felt as best she could.

"It's been a few minutes. You need your doctor." Jay replied calmly and took his seat next to her again. The doctor followed closely behind him the stopped at the foot of the bed.

"I'm Dr. Michaels," the man said, clipboard close to his chest as he folded his arms. He could only have been a few years older than them, the doctor, though small patches grey littered his dark brown hair. He continued with a smile. "He's right you know. This is a hospital after all."

"Still," she kept her lips pursed tightly before turning to Jay and giving his hand a small squeeze. "Sorry for snapping."

"You don't have to keep apologising."

"So, the verdict," Dr. Michaels interrupted. "We're gonna have to keep you in for a few days due that tube there that you might have noticed. Once we removed the chest tube we'll play it by ear. You have a concussion and a few broken ribs but it's nothing that rest can't cure."

Jay snorted at his words. As if Erin was going to sit back and relax at home while everyone else was out at the district. If she did, it wasn't going to be peacefully.

"Your partner mentioned that you're in a substantial amount of pain. How would you rate it between one and ten."

"Four," she replied without hesitation.

"One being the lowest and ten being the highest?" he continued, assuming that she had misunderstood.

"Four," Erin repeated herself, raising an eyebrow at Jay who gave her a look of confusion.

"Okay then," the doctor said with another smile before Jay could say anything in protestation to the pair. "We should still give you something for that, give your body a break for a while."

Erin nodded slightly and rested her head back onto the pillow.

* * *

"Where's Voight?" she spoke suddenly.

"He's back down at the district. He said he was finishing up some stuff on the Hastings file and I should call him as soon as you woke up," he said. "Woops."

Biting her lip, Erin debated about what to say to him next. "What happened Jay?"

"You can't remember?" he shot her another confused look as he spoke.

"It's just a little hazy."

"You were talking to the kid-"

"Nick," she interrupted him. "His name is Nick."

"You were talking to Nick, or I guess trying to talk him down. Olinsky and Dawson turned the corner, he got spooked and pulled the trigger, and Dawson took the shot."

"Is he...?"

Jay shook his head. She turned her head away from him immediately and took a few deep breaths. She had to compose herself. She wouldn't let it hurt her. She could feel the pain medication starting to kick in as the drowsiness started to overcome her.

"It's not his fault, he didn't mean it. Jay, he was only a kid," she said quietly and turned back towards him.

"It's okay. I know. That kid could've killed someone I love."

"It's not okay," Erin scoffed though after the realisation struck her, her expression softened. "Someone I love?"

" _Someone I love_ " Jay repeated himself.

"Oh."

"Like platonically. Work husband at a push," he corrected himself, taking her shocked reply as confirmation enough that it was the wrong thing for him to say.

She giggled slightly. It was just the medication. The pain in her chest was replaced with giddiness. "Erin Lindsay - 'someone who Jay Halstead loves'. I think I could take that title."

"Erin," he shook his head and chuckled.

"It's a super duper title," she continued, biting her lip slightly as she spoke. "Totally cool, totally awesome."

"Someone's getting a little high from the meds, I take it."

Erin shook her head with a wide smile, nose crumpling up. Jay couldn't help but laugh a little too at her though it didn't take long for it to turn back into a more serious expression. "Jay?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I love you too."

 **It's been a while guys, it's been a while. I could make a million excuses about school but I'm just gonna try my best to write a lot more. I'm getting into this story a little bit but it would be extremely appreciated if you could give me some suggestions about where you want it to go or what you want to happen to our lovely couple.**

 **Review please!**


	4. Chapter 4

Jay glanced down at the watch on his wrist. He had been watching over Erin since she had fallen back asleep. It had only felt like a few minutes but if his watch was correct then it was closer to two hours. It didn't matter to him at all though; he could've have watched her forever without a second thought. He had barely managed to tear his eyes away from her to check the time but it was already 8:30am and he had promised Voight that he would call him with an update in the morning.

Jay knew that the older man wouldn't let anything show down at the district, show how much this was tearing him apart inside. He knew that Hank would be blaming himself and no one else for what had happened - as much as Erin would inevitably try and convince him that there wasn't anything he could have done. He would be developing a stress induced stomach ulcer over his morning coffee until he heard news. It was surprising that he wasn't already down here sitting across from the younger man.

Jay reached into the pocket of his hoodie which he had draped over the back of his chair, grabbing his cell phone with the hand that wasn't clutching Erin's hand. It was dangerously close to dying but he knew that it would last through the phone call at least. He would just have to ask one of the doctors or the nurses if they had a spare charger lying around somewhere that he could borrow. Or maybe he would text one of the guys down at the district to drop one off. He didn't want to ask Hank; something like that would be the last thing on his boss' mind and he didn't want to even try.

He scrolled down the list of contacts until he found Voight's name and clicked it, patiently waiting for the older man to pick up. Jay didn't know what it was - he never had an issue with calling the older man - but this time was different and he couldn't help but feel anxious.

"Halstead," a gruff voice answered from the other end of the line. Jay had to compose himself slightly, waiting for his next words. "How is she?"

"She woke up for a little while. She's doing good - talking, joking," Jay replied. He lowered his voice slightly though he knew that he wouldn't be disturbing her at all.

"Good," Hank spoke again. "What about now?"

"Well, the doc gave her some pain meds. Just aches and pains with the chest tube and her head," Jay nodded to himself, glancing over to the brunette on the bed and unconsciously giving her hand a small squeeze as though he were trying to reassure himself. "She's doing great."

"Okay," Vought replied. Jay could hear him sigh slightly down the line. "I'll be there in 15. Stay with her."

"I'm not going anywhere."

He waited until he had heard the click of Hank ending the call before locking his phone and placing it carefully back into his pocket. Jay knew that he hadn't done anything wrong but there was always a sense of relief that filled his mind when he finished speaking to the older man, even more so now. He was just glad that the older man hadn't jumped down his throat mid-conversation. Erin hadn't moved even slightly. She was still in exactly the same position that she had been before - her arm resting over her stomach and her hair framing her head and her face like a halo.

It didn't take long before Jay started to drift off too. He had been fighting sleep tirelessly but his eyelids were protesting more that he could handle. He knew that he wouldn't be able to keep it up for much longer. Leaning back in his chair slightly, Jay tried to get comfortable and relax as much as he could. He knew that he wouldn't be much use to Erin in his condition and he needed to be there for her. Besides, it was only going to be a 10 minute nap maximum. It wasn't as though she was going to run away from him in that space of time and hurt herself more.

It was just gonna be 10 minutes.

"Halstead."

"Shit," he mumbled under his breath. A firm hand was shaking his shoulder, forcing him awake. "How long have I been out?"

He had barely even closed his eyes and when they opened to the sight of Voight standing over him, with the tense jaw and serious eyes that he usually accessorised with, Jay sat up immediately. He wiped his eyes quickly and looked down to his watch as the older man answered him.

"Only half an hour or so. You were comatose when I came in so I grabbed some coffee," he replied and handed Jay a brown takeaway cup, walking around to the other side of Erin's bed and taking a seat.

"Thanks," Jay nodded with slight hesitation, rubbing his eyes again. The sleep had done nothing for him at all. He just felt worse than he had before but there wasn't a chance in hell that he was going to let it show. Especially not to Voight.

"I'm gonna go ahead and pretend that I didn't see the hand holding," Hank commented offhandedly, taking a sip from his own cup. "Put it down to one partner being worried for another partner."

"Sure," Jay nodded again. Now wasn't the time to argue back. He wanted to - desperately. He wanted to argue and tell Voight that the girl on the bed next to them meant the world to him. He would shout it from the rooftops if it made a difference.

"Just because she's in here, just because she's vulnerable doesn't give you the right to take advantage," he spoke again. "I swear to God, Halstead."

Jay looked into his eyes for a few moments before replying. It was as though they were staring into his soul. "You know that I would never."

"Let's hope not," he replied before looking away sharply. "I can't help but be careful. I hate seeing her like this."

"I do too. Sir."

It felt like the coffee was burning holes in his esophagus as it made it's way through but Jay pushed through the pain, forcing the bitter liquid down into his stomach. He needed all the caffeine that he could get. Erin always make him the best coffee. The hospital's was garbage in comparison.

"Y'know," Voight smirked as he continued, licking his lips slightly before speaking again. "When Camille and I took Erin in, she was terrified of putting a foot wrong. I mean it took a while for her to settle in and her and Camille didn't get on - the delinquent druggie and my wife. She just always had this fear like we were gonna throw her back out into the streets at any moment."

"Yeah?" Jay raised an eyebrow. He didn't know a lot about Erin's younger days with Voight other than what she had chosen to tell him. He knew the story but never the finer details.

"She was so worried that she never even told us how much pain she was in when she needed her appendix taken out. Not even Justin," he sighed, gesturing with his hands as he opened his mouth again. "Camille found her lying on the kitchen floor at 3am. I'll spare you the gory details. The doc said that her appendix was extremely inflamed and could've burst any minute. It could have killed her and she still bit her tongue."

"Sounds like Erin."

"Yeah, that it does," Voight nodded with a laugh. "After that, her and Camille were inseparable."

"She's never told me about that."

"Not one of her best memories."

"She doesn't have a whole lot of those, Sir, but she's a fighter alright," Jay said. "You should've seen her earlier. Playing off the tube sticking out of her chest like it was nothing at all."

"I've never been more worried about her than then," Voight leaned forward and took the brunette's hand in his own. "Out in the field it's different. I know where she is, I can see her."

Jay only nodded a little in response though the older man wasn't watching him. It wasn't like Voight to open up like that, especially not to him. To call it a rare occurrence would be an understatement for sure. He was just like Erin in that way though - baring his soul in a few sentences before the shutters slammed back down. Jay didn't want to give him a reason to do that though. If they stayed open and honest then maybe he would stand half a chance when he brought up the possibility of him and Erin becoming more than just partners. It was like talking to her father - only ten times as scary and ten times as terrifying.

A knock at the door brought them both back to reality suddenly, interrupting both of their thoughts. Voight returned to his familiarly rigid and serious position. There it was - the shutters were down. The door opened slightly as though the person standing behind it was hesitating about whether to come in at all.

"It's just me," Kim said quietly, poking her head through the space between the door and the frame.

Voight offered her a tight smile as she walked into the room, before turning back to Erin. Jay placed his coffee cup carefully on the table by the side of the bed as he jumped up, catching her off guard with a tight hug. It had surprised her but she accepted it warmly nevertheless, wrapping her arms around his back.

"Roman and I are just starting patrol. I figured that I'd stop by and see how Erin is first though," Kim smiled, rubbing Jay's shoulder comfortingly as she glanced over to the bed. "How is she?"

"You know Erin," Jay said. "She's doing good all things considered. The pain meds were making her drowsy but she was up earlier."

"Good. That's really good," she said. They stood awkwardly in each other's presence for a few seconds, not knowing how to fill up the silence. "Um, I brought this, It's silly and kind of disgustingly cute and not Erin at all, but that's why I figured she'd like it."

"She'll love it," Jay chuckled and she handed him the small brown bear. It was holding a giant love heart close to its chest. The heart looked even bigger than the bear itself. 'Get Well Soon' was inscribed on the red surface and Jay couldn't help but smile. "I'll tell her you stopped by when she wakes up."

"Awesome, thanks," Kim said. "I should get going. Roman was going to see a relative or something of his but no doubt he'll be waiting for me patiently. Tell her I'll come by again and keep her company if she's wanting a break from the boys."

Jay laughed slightly again. "Will do, Burgess."

"You should go too," Voight's deep voice filled the room once the younger man had fully closed the door behind the cop.

"What?"

"You should go," he repeated.

"You're kidding right?"

"Do I look like I'm kidding Halstead?"

"No way. I'm not leaving her," Jay protested, shaking his head.

"You look like crap and you have bags under your eyes that are the size of Texas. Go home, take a shower, eat something," Voight gestured to the door but Jay didn't move. His voice became more harsh instantly. Bad cop turning on. "That's an order."

He hesitated. A moment passed of the two men attempting to stare the other down but Jay knew that he couldn't win. He grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair, leaning down to place a kiss on Erin's head before he walking to the door.

Jay hesitated. A couple of moments passed of the two men silently attempting to stare the other down but Jay knew that this was a battle he wouldn't win. Voight was right anyway. The last thing Erin needed was to wake up with a zombie by her side. That didn't mean that he had to be pleased about going. Jay grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair that he had been sitting in, leaning down to place a quick kiss on Erin's head before walking to the door and pulling down on the handle.

His voice was practically dripping with sarcasm. " _Sir, yes, Sir."_

 **This chapter feels super repetitive in some parts but I'm trying to move the story along a bit. Hope you enjoyed it even a little. I have a few ideas about Erin's recovery. Hope you don't mind a bit of drama.**


	5. Chapter 5

"Jay."

His name was the first thing on her lips. It came out before she had even opened her eyes. It was going to become a habit of hers, Erin could already tell. She could still hear his voice in her head as clear as day.

"Just me," a different voice spoke. It was deep and gruff, and nothing like Jay's, but it was completely familiar and she welcomed it. It just wasn't the voice that she wanted to hear right now. "How are you holding up, kid?"

"I'm good. I'm doing good," she replied. Her voice was just as hoarse as it had been when she woke up a few hours ago, though it felt like days ago now. She hated the sound of it when it was like this; as if it wasn't already husky enough as it was. Jay always said the opposite though - that he couldn't get enough of it - but she was hardly going to tell that to Hank.

"That's my girl," Hank said with a small smile as he watched her open her eyes fully. The light wasn't as bright as it had been but it still stung all the same. "I knew you would be"

"You know me," Erin smirked back at him, blinking a few times to help her eyes adjust before looking around for the water that she had been drinking earlier. As she spotted it she attempted to stretch her arms over and reach for it but it turned into more of a struggle than she had expected. "This...thing though. It's turning out to be a bit of an inconvenience."

Hank leaned forward in his chair as he realised what she was trying to do and brought the cup and straw to her lips. As she took a few grateful gulps of water, he glanced down to her side. The tube that was poking out of the side of her gown and sheets seemed like more of an inconvenience than she was letting on - an extreme understatement - but Voight had expected her to play it off completely, which she was doing.

"Just an inconvenience?"

"More of a straight up bitch if I'm being honest," she replied. "But hey, think of the sweet scar that I'll have when this is all over and done with."

"Always think of the scar."

"A trophy of war to add to my collection, some would say."

Hank laughed slightly at her words. He watched the brunette in silence for a few more moments. He wanted to say a million and one things to her. He wanted to tell her that he wasn't going to let her out of his sight for at least the next six months and that she was on desk duty for the forseeable, or at least how the son of a bitch that shot her deserved what he got. He knew exactly how she would respond to it though and Hank knew that it was better just to stay quiet.

"Burgess stopped by to see you earlier but you were out cold. She left you a bear," he finally said with a chuckle, pointing over to the table at the other side of her bed.

"A bear?" she repeated and the older man nodded his head, gesturing over to it again.

Erin craned her neck to look around. She couldn't help but snort at the sight but the movement was painful and stifled it. The brunette tried to brush it off though, pretending that it never even happened and hoping that Voight hadn't noticed a thing. The medication had definitely started to wear off but she didn't want to have to ask for anymore. She hated that drowsy feeling - especially when there are people by your bedside that have to watch you suffer it.

"That is disgustingly cute," Erin said, attempting to put on her best 'I'm totally strong and not feeling a single thing' voice. "But I absolutely love it."

"She knew that you were going to say that," Voight replied. "You know everyone's really worried about you back at the district."

"I'll have to try and get shot at a little less often then."

"Too soon."

"Sorry," she replied quietly before the realisation hit her. "Where is Halstead?"

"I sent him home a few hours ago," Voight replied nonchalantly, ignoring the glare of the younger woman and picking up the newspaper that he had left folded by the arm of his chair. He had already read through it more than three times - movie listings and birthdays and obituaries and all - but it wasn't like he had much else to do other than stare into space. He avoided daytime television like the plague for fear of it rotting away at his brain. It was beyond the realms or terrible.

"And why did you do that," Erin persisted.

"Because he looked like shit. Just because he took a sick day to sit by your side and feel sorry for himself doesn't mean that I was just going to stand by and watch himself make himself sick," Hank replied, barely looking up from the paper. He was sure that he had read over the same sentence a thousand times already but he tried yet again. "One cop down is bad enough, don't you think?"

"I hope you weren't too hard on him."

"Me?" Hank said, feigning shock.

"He's just worried about me."

"I only told your _boyfriend_ what he needed to hear. He'll be back soon. I doubt he even went home in the first place."

They could both picture him even now. He was probably sitting downstairs in the canteen or in the waiting area by the front doors - patiently waiting for enough time to pass by before he could come back to the room and watch over her like a hawk again. There was nothing that he could do for her here though. Unlike his doctor of a brother, it wasn't as though he could offer any medical advice. As much as she loved his company and felt all the more safe having him by her side, Erin just wanted for him to go home and get some well deserved rest. Jay needed the sleep more than anything.

"He is not my boyfriend."

"If you say so," Voight smirked and turned the page over. "You know better than anyone that I don't condone relationships between partners especially. All I'm going to say is that if you need someone to lean on, and for some reason it's not me with the prepped shoulder, then I'd rather it be Halstead there for you than anyone else. He's good for you."

"I know," she smiled slightly. "Thanks Hank."

Silence filled up the room again but it was anything but awkward. If anything it was the most comfortable that she had felt since she had woken up. It was something that Erin had always treasured with Voight - ever since she had first met him. They could sit in each others' company for hours on end and feel no obligation to strike up a conversation or engage with one another. If she closed her eyes and really focused then she could almost imagine that Hank really was her father - sitting worried by her side. Though after all that they had been through together over the years, he was the closest thing that she would ever have to a real dad.

Erin shook the thought from her head as quickly as it had developed. She didn't want to become all nostalgic and sad now. Especially not in a hospital bed. Some crazy cop car chase show was on the TV across the room and it had caught her attention. She had always loved them for some reason; ever since she was a kid and even now that she was actually a cop, she still found them entertaining. It was funny though, knowing that she had been in far worse situations than that. The stuff on TV was childsplay in comparison. Erin reached for the remote control, realising that she had been watching it on mute the whole time, but inhaled sharply as she twisted her torso. Erin regretted the movement immediately. Glancing back to Hank, she hoped that his eyes were still glued to the newspaper in front of him but they were fixed on her instead. The knowing look that he gave her was burning into her soul. She knew that look all too well.

"I am fine," she said quickly before he could even open his mouth to her. She expected him to make some smart-ass comment.

"Sure you are, kid," he replied with a slight nod. "I just wanted to see how long you could last before you said anything. There's a button by your pillow. The doctor said that you could press it yourself when you need more pain relief. I guess you said it yourself though, you're fine. Right?"

Erin exhaled loudly and snatched the remote from atop the table, leaning back onto the bed and unmuting the TV channel. She avoided looking back at him; a smug expression taking over his face. He really did know here all too well.

"You know you really had me worried Erin," he said finally, raising his voice over the commentary from the TV though it wasn't particularly loud. "I even gave Halstead the full story about that time you got your appendix taken out."

"You didn't," Erin sighed, scrunching her eyes as she winced - this time with embarrassment.

"I did. Not much has changed though. You're still as stubborn as ever," Hank replied. He paused before opening his mouth. "I just wish that Camille was here this time round, y'know? She was better as dealing with...all this."

"Yeah, me too," Erin said, her voice barely more than a whisper. "I miss her. She wasn't even my mom and I miss her so much."

"I miss her too, every day. You know that she thought the world of you - eventually - and she felt like your mother. You were more than a daughter to her, but now it's just me and you. And Justin, wherever the wind blows him," Voight smiled, reaching over to her arm and rubbing it comfortingly. "Just remember that I love you."

 **Thanks for reading! Your feedback means the world to me and I'm glad that people actually enjoy what I'm writing. This was just a Hank/Erin chapter to fill things up but I hope you liked it. Linstead will be back very very soon.**


	6. Chapter 6

He hadn't gone back to the hospital that day. It wasn't as though he just forgot; the thought didn't escape through his fingertips like trickling water down the drain. Jay knew that he had to go back to her, to Erin, but as soon as he got back to his apartment and his head hit the pillow there was no fighting the sleep. Waking up with the realisation that he had missed almost a full day of visiting was enough to turn his stomach. It was only 10pm but Jay knew that he had missed his chance. Erin would probably be sleeping and it wasn't worth the argument with the nurses when visiting hours were over - he had barely been allowed to stay the whole night before nevermind another. It wasn't like they were even dating or anything.

He should have set an alarm on his phone or something. It was such a dumb mistake. He should have known better. There were a dozen missed calls and texts waiting for him when he finally looked to his phone. Jay's heart almost skipped a beat when he saw the screen. His first thought was that there was something wrong, that something else had happened and he had missed it because he was too busy catching up on a few hours sleep. That was all he needed; he would never have forgiven himself. Of course everything was okay though - his friends were just worried about the fact he had gone off the radar for 12 hours.

Jay wasn't usually such a heavy sleeper. As a kid he could have won awards for it, he could have slept for Chicago. The army had swiftly knocked that habit out him. He was wide awake now though.

He thought for a moment, his breathing the only sound that filled his apartment. He couldn't just sit here and there wasn't a chance that he'd go back to bed now. On a good day it only took him 20 minutes or so to run to the district, he had done it before and it wasn't like he had anything better to be doing other than planning how he was going to get Erin to forgive him for not showing. He could grab something to eat on the way, maybe even flowers.

Without a second thought, he grabbed a pair of his shorts and a fresh t-shirt from a drawer, slipping one of his old hoodies over the top of the ensemble. It had been a while since he had been out but even so, his shoes were still as beat up as they had ever been. Jay had been meaning to go and get a new pair. There was a marathon or fundraiser or something coming up soon that he was sure he said - most likely drunkenly - he would participate in. Needless to say, work usually got in the way of impromptu shopping trips.

He considered bringing a change of clothes with him but ultimately decided not to. Jay would probably have to run home anyway so there was no point. His badge, phone and holster were thrown into his backpack though without hesitation. Just in case, as always.

After he was done the time seemed to pass by him in a blur. He had blinked and already he was outside of his building in the cold of the late night. Chicago was never a friend to anyone at this time, especially not Jay, but he had no worries about being out. Erin would have probably flipped a lid if she knew where he was and what he was doing. He was a big boy, he could hold his own without the bravado of a cop badge.

There were still a few cars on the road, driving swiftly past him as his feet pounded against the pavement. A few people stumbled out of bars onto the sidewalk next to him but it wasn't anywhere as busy as it would have been if it were a Friday night instead of a Wednesday. The district was quiet too. Platt wasn't even on the desk to pass comment or berate him as he walked through the front doors. He almost missed it. Jay knew that she would be feeling it too though; she had always had a soft spot for Erin.

Jay scanned his palm and entered the code quickly, bounding up the stairs two at a time as though he hadn't already just ran the entire way there. Sweat was dripping from his forehead, falling down his face, but he couldn't have cared less. He walked over to his desk, wiping the skin absentmindedly with the back of his hand.

Hastings' statement was still there - signed and ready to be filed away but it could definitely wait. He wasn't even supposed to be working tomorrow, he'd leave it for Ruzek or Dawson.

Just as he began flipping through the pages, a noise from the other side of the room caught his attention and naturally his instincts took over, a hand reaching back swiftly to his bag.

"Calm down Halstead. It's just me," a voice spoke.

"Shit, sorry. I didn't think anyone would be up here," Jay said with a sigh of relief, falling back onto his chair.

"Neither did I and yet here we are," Voight replied. "So why are you here...in gym gear? You can make it to the station dressed like that at the back of ten but you can't even make it back to the hospital to see your partner."

"I already feel bad enough about that. I just fell asleep and I didn't set a stupid freaking alarm and-" Jay started to ramble but the older man raised a hand to stop him.

"She saw that coming. I'm pretty sure that she actually called that word for word. It's fine, she's fine," Voight chuckled and leaned against the side of Ruzek's desk. "Just don't go disappointing her again, okay? That being said, doesn't mean that I want you by her side 24/7. Not in your job description."

"I get that we have to go back to normality eventually but every minute that I spend not by her side, I can't help but feel guilty," Jay replied, leaning back in his chair and rubbing his face with his hands. The events of the previous were replaying over and over in his mind and he couldn't shake it. "I should have gone after her for cover, I mean she shouldn't have gone back there all by herself."

"We could sit here and play the blame game all night, Halstead, but it's not going to change anything."

"I know. I can't help it," he nodded and offered the older man a stiff smile. There was something else that kept returning to his mind. He wanted to bring it up but he wasn't sure what he was even supposed to say. It was important but he couldn't find the words. It was delicate.

"You've got the face of a guy who's holding something in. Spit it out," Voight said before he could even attempt to open his mouth. Hank could read through everyone and anyone like a book. It was a skill.

"I was talking to Ruzek yesterday," Jay replied quietly, toying with the paper on the desk. He could sense his boss' impatience growing.

"And?"

"And...well, it's just that ever since Nadia was found Erin hasn't been the same. You know it as well as the rest of us. I wouldn't be bring it up if I weren't worried, you know that, but between the weekday binge drinking sessions and her screaming at that kid to shoot her yesterday," Jay shook his head as he continued. "I just don't know what we're gonna do."

"We?"

"Yeah?" Jay replied confusedly, his eyebrows scrunching downwards towards his eyes as he looked to the older man for a response. "She's not coping. I don't want her to throw everything away."

"And you think I do?"

"That's not what I said," Jay persisted. "You know as well as me that she has a past."

"I hear what you're saying kid, but now especially this is not what she needs. Are we supposed to hold some intervention while she's still in a hospital bed?" Voight shook his head. "One hurdle at a time."

"I hear what you're saying kid, but I'm not listening. I know her past better than anyone in this damn building and I know that this, right now especially, is not what she needs. Are we supposed to hold some kind of intervention while she's still hauled in in a hospital bed?" Voight scoffed and shook his head. "One hurdle at a time."

"I know but-"

"Halstead, leave it. If anything this will have been a reality check for her."

* * *

By the time that 8am finally rolled around, Jay had already made his way back home, downed three cups of coffee and left for the hospital all over again. The journey was nowhere as quick as he had wanted it to be. The early morning traffic was a bitch at the best of times and now wasn't any different. When Jay finally arrived he was surprised he didn't sweep any of the nurses straight off their feet at pace he was running at or left a dust imprint in the air like an old cartoon. He wasn't sprint or anything, obviously, but it was a damn sight more than just a walk and anyone that had been around him would have been able to sense his excitement. He was like a kid on Christmas - except hyped up on coffee instead of presents.

As Jay reached the door he slowed down considerably, debating over whether he should knock first or just walk straight into the room. He settled on the half-open, knock approach. It was always a safe bet and Lindsay wasn't shy.

"The prodigal son returns," she said quickly with a slight laugh. "And here was me thinking that I might get some peace and quiet today."

"Not a chance," Jay smirked. She didn't seem mad about him no-showing - that had to be a good sign. Then again it was Erin and Erin had the capability of turning on a dime.

The sight of her face was enough to bring an instant smile to his face as he walked into the room. Jay couldn't help it. He almost forgot that she was in a hospital bed at all. Erin didn't look much different that she had the previous day. Her obvious paleness still contrasted sharply with the memory of her natural complexion but her cheeks were slightly more pink than they had been. Naturally though, she was acting like nothing had even happened at all, flicking between the pages of her trashier-than-her-usual-taste magazine. Jay hadn't expected anything less.

"I didn't realise you were invested in the tragic going-ons of Brad and Angie's marriage," he replied as he sat down in the chair next to the bed, glancing quickly at the magazine and nodding towards her hands.

"You'd be surprised Halstead," she chuckled before turning her head to look at him and continuing with a monotone. "This place changes you."

"Not a fan of the five star accommodation?"

"Can't say I'm in love with it," Erin grimaced.

Erin folded over the magazine and rested it on her lap, letting the silence linger in the space between them. Jay knew exactly what he wanted to say to her but nothing would come out. Voight had warned him to keep his mouth shut. He had been told to drop it all together but he couldn't. He couldn't lose her.

"I need you not to be mad at me," Jay started, looking down at his hands.

"I'm not mad at you for not coming back yesterday, shit happens," she smiled in reply.

"No, it's not that. I think we should talk," he said, ignoring the confused look that she immediately shot him. "Telling Nick to shoot you? I know that wasn't just a bluff to make him give himself up Erin."

Jay watched as the cogs turned in her brain, concocting a response. It wasn't going to be good, he didn't expect it to be. Erin's jaw locked and she looked back to the magazine, redness evident in her face.

"I don't want to talk about this," she said quietly. "Not right now."

"We have to talk about this," he persisted.

"No Jay," Erin sighed. "We don't."

Silence grew between them again. Jay didn't want to keep pushing it. The last thing that she needed right now was the stress and the last thing that he needed was her to be pissed at him. The only winning situation would occur if he shut up.

Erin looked to him suddenly. "Hey, can you open some of the windows or something?"

"You're kidding right? I'm wearing like two sweaters and I'm still cold," Jay hesitated and she raised an eyebrow. "Are you feeling alright?"

"You mean other than being shot?" she scoffed. "Yeah I'm doing great."

Jay pressed the back of his hand against her forehead. "Shit, Erin. You're burning up."

"I'm fine," she rolled her eyes and nudged his hand away. "You're just overreacting."

"You could fry an egg on your forehead, you're definitely not okay. I'm getting the doctor."

"Just leave me. Jesus Christ Halstead, what is it with you?"

"I almost lost you once. I'm not taking any chances."

 **Glad you liked the Erin/Hank interaction! I always imagined another side to him when it comes to Erin, after all he is the closest thing she has to a father. As always, let me know what you want to see or if you have any ideas - I'm chronically uncreative.**


	7. Chapter 7

Erin had always been the stubborn one out of them both. It frustrated him to no end but Jay had learned to accept it. It didn't matter if they were out in the field or back at the district, or even at one of their own apartments - wherever they were together it seemed as though Erin was in charge. It was only during rare moments such as this that the persistent bravado that she liked to use as a shield, faltered. Jay had also learned that it was smart to take his chance while he was able to. Normally, she would have argued with him all day but the exhaustion was beginning to take over. She could barely find the strength to keep going with the same two words over and over never mind any other form of argument.

"I'm fine," Erin repeated for what seemed like the thousandth time. It probably was the thousandth time, Jay thought, given how much she had actually been insisting against the attention of the doctor.

"If you don't stop saying that then I swear to God, Lindsay, I will make the doctor physically stitch your mouth shut," he laughed slightly as he replied. It was out of frustration more than anything and it was entirely evident in his voice, but Erin chose to ignore his words. He could never seem to break through her walls despite how hard he tried. It was exhausting for him too.

Jay had always been the one to back down first when it came to their disagreements but this time he couldn't bring himself to let her win the fight. He would have argued with Erin for hours if it would mean that anything he said would sink in to her head. He would have argued for hours as long as it meant that she was going to get the help that she needed. He just needed her to listen to him for once but as per usual it was proving to be no easy task.

It wasn't as though he was doing anything wrong. Jay couldn't understand why she didn't get it. He just cared about her. If she didn't want to listen to him then the least that she could do was listen to the doctor.

"I'm not entirely sure that I'm allowed to do that Detective," Dr Michaels chuckled slightly in reply, looking up for his place at the side of Erin's bed. It was a different type of laugh than Jay's had been. It wasn't frustrated or tired. He had probably seen a hundred people just like them before in his time at the hospital.

"Jay," he corrected him.

" _Jay,_ " the older man mimicked him, glancing up again, before continuing. "Helping worried boyfriends restrain persistent girlfriends isn't in my job description - unless I missed that day in medical school."

Jay didn't correct him this time. It had always made butterflies rise up in his stomach whenever someone mistook them for actually being a couple. He noticed that Erin didn't correct him either - gazing silently up at Jay from her place in the bed. He wasn't entirely sure what they were. A couple wasn't exactly what he would call them. They barely felt like partners sometimes. It still warmed his heart though to hear it out loud. Jay couldn't help but hope that it would actually be true one day.

"Watch it doc. Just because I'm in this bed doesn't mean that I can't kick your a-" Erin croaked with a smirk. Jay raised an eyebrow questioningly and the doctor let out another small chuckle.

"Okay, Erin. Maybe that's not what we say to the person that's supposed to be saving our life?" Jay shook his head slightly as he spoke and the brunette shrugged.

"I've been warned."

"So what's the verdict?" Jay asked, folding his arms across his chest.

"It's looking like an infection, Erin. Your fever is through the roof," he grimaced, flicking through her chart. Jay brought a hand to his face. It wasn't good but it could have been so much worse. "I'm going to give you some antibiotics for now - try and bring it down. If they don't work, well, we'll try and cross that bridge when we come to it."

"When will you know?" Jay replied quickly.

"I'll come back in a little bit," he offered them a small smile. "Just give the medicine a little time to work and we'll know more soon."

Dr Michaels soon left the room. Silence filled it again. It was a recurring trend. It felt like all they did lately was sit in silence with each other when they weren't bickering about what happened or her wellbeing. It was starting to drive him insane but when it came down to it though, all things aside, Jay was just grateful that he was with her at all.

"You should probably call Hank and give him an update," Erin spoke suddenly, reaching back for the magazine that she had been reading before Jay freaked out. He realised that he had been staring at her again. He couldn't help it. "You know how he is."

"Yeah," Jay replied, taking the seat next to her bed. "What we were talking about before, Erin, I'm not finished. We're not finished."

"I never asked about the fallout with Hastings," she continued, ignoring his words and flicking to the next page. "Any charges?"

He frowned. "Don't avoid this."

"Jesus Christ, Halstead," she huffed, slapping the magazine down to her lap.

"No, Erin. I'm not finished." He shook his head. "We're not done with this, but I know that you clearly need time. If now isn't the right time then it's fine, but you're gonna need someone to lean on whether you like it or not. Okay? So, when you're ready to talk about it, I'll be here waiting. You can't keep going on and bottling it all up. It's going to drive you insane."

Erin licked her lips as she thought of what to say to him. Jay watched her intently, the frown never leaving his face. It deepened as she smiled. He expected a little more fight, not...a smile. He expected her to tell him to get out or something. Not a smile.

"You know, I noticed that you didn't correct the doctor when he called us a couple," she laughed slightly and Jay raised an eyebrow. "I never get used to people calling us that. It doesn't matter how many jobs we go out on or how many people say it."

"Me neither," he nodded and relaxed into his seat. "You didn't correct him either, if my memory serves me correctly."

"You are my work husband." He could see her trying to suppress a smirk. "I wouldn't mind having someone to lean on at home too."

"Is this your way of asking me to be your boyfriend, Detective Lindsay?" He said. "Because that would be highly inappropriate given our situation in the workplace."

"That depends."

"Depends on what?"

"Whether or not you say yes, Jay," she smiled slightly. Jay smiled back. There was nothing that he wanted more than to say yes to her.

"Well, then I guess I'm going to have to say yes," he replied. He couldn't keep a grin from exploding across his face. "And face the wrath of Voight later."

"He'll get over it." Jay leaned closer, taking her hand in his own. She teased, "Are you going to kiss me?"

"Am I allowed to?" he asked, moving closer to her.

"I would like that very much."

Erin had barely finished her sentence before Jay pressed his lips against hers. It was more gentle than they had been in the past, Jay was wary of the fact that she still had a tube sticking out of her chest. With them it had always been quick and rushed, and desperate, but something was different about this time. Erin felt it too.

He felt a strong push against his chest. Jay inhaled sharply, panicking with the thought that he had hurt her or that she was struggling for breath. That was the last thing that he wanted to happen. She laughed slightly at the look on his face before coughing. She turned her head slightly away from him as the harsh cough vibrated through her body. Jay winced slightly at the rough sound of it, reaching over and rubbing her back in an attempt to comfort her.

"Jay?" Her voice was shaky and quiet, like a small child who had just done something wrong. His heart sunk at the sound.

"What's wrong?"

She didn't say anything else. She brought her hand up to cover her mouth again as another string of coughs attacked her small body. Jay leaned over her, pulling her hand away from her face. Blood.

"Shit," he muttered. It felt like nothing else could possibly go wrong. He felt as though he were stuck in that moment - coldness rushing down his body and his knees feeling weak. Nurses and the doctor rushed back into the room and he could see their lips moving but he wasn't listening. He couldn't hear them. His eyes were glued on Erin. They lowered her bed until her back was straight. Jay felt a hand pulling at his arm.

It felt as though he had blinked and his world had shifted around him. He was out in the hallway. One minute he had been kissing Erin and the next minute he had been forced out of the room and a tube was being forced down her throat.

"What happened?" He mumbled to nobody in particular. He wasn't sure if anyone even heard him as he sunk down to the floor, his back leaning against the wall. He knew that Erin was only a few feet behind him. He wanted to be there with her.

"Detective?"

His head shot up. "Yeah?"

"Your partner developed an infection due to the clotting of blood in her pleural cavity, as you know. We've had to intubate her as blood has started to fill her lungs. We'll have to take her up to surgery to drain it. I'll give you an update as soon as we know more."

Jay looked away from the nurse. He could feel his cell phone pressing against his leg when he was in this position. It was uncomfortable and it grabbed at his attention. Voight. He should call Voight. The thought of repeating what was said to him made him feel sick. He couldn't lose her now.

 **I'm not good at the medical jargon so I try and avoid it as best as I can. If it's terribly wrong then just pretend that it's as accurate as can be. Hope you enjoyed the chapter - it was a hard one to write. Serious writers block. I'm currently working on my novel and it's consuming a lot of my time as well as school and family and blah blah blah. Thanks for reading, my inbox is always open.**


	8. Chapter 8

Three calls. Three calls were all that his shaking hands and quivering voice could handle. There was a sickening sense of deja vu that surrounded the whole situation. It felt like he had done nothing but make these calls over the past few days. Being the bearer of bad news wasn't his strong suit, it never had been. If he wasn't making the calls then he was on the receiving end of them. They weren't becoming any easier. Jay wasn't sure how much more he could take but there was no getting around it. He had to be a man.

It was just hard to be a man when it felt as though his chest was ready to cave with every breath that he took, with every thought that he gave to Erin. It felt as though the walls were closing in around him, suffocating him. Even in the open waiting area they were constricting him. The feeling hadn't left him ever since he had been forced out of her room by that nurse.

The first call had been the most difficult. As soon as he had pressed the green button on the screen regret washed over him. He wanted to hang up immediately and pretend that none of this was happening, and maybe ignoring it for long enough would make it go away all together. The thoughts were racing through his mind but before he could act upon any of them, he heard a small click at the other end of the line, alerting him to the fact that someone had just picked up.

Voight's gruff voice met his ears and Jay exhaled sharply. He could hear the others in the background. Their voices weren't clear enough to make out what anyone was saying but the chatter was obvious. It meant that Hank had left his door open. That was a good sign, at least. It wasn't Jay's job to look after the older man by any means, and it never would be, but he couldn't help but be conscious of how his boss was doing. If his door was open then it meant that he wasn't shutting himself off and hiding away in his office. It meant that he was doing okay. It meant that the blow Jay was about to deliver would hurt that bit more.

He almost forgot to speak at all. Time stopped when Hank picked up. The air left his chest the moment that he heard the older man speak. His words came out in a rushed sentence, laced with a mixture of anxiety and fear. Nothing like the strong, composed way that Hank spoke. Jay barely registered the reply. The only thing that he could make out properly was the promise that he would be there soon.

The second call was somewhat unnecessary. When the oxygen returned to his lungs, he scrolled down his contacts once more. In the minute or so since he had hung up Hank would have made his way downstairs and given Platt the update that she was quietly desperate for himself. Jay still made the call though. At least if she heard it from him then she would know that he cared enough to let her know too. She answered on the second ring. Her authoritative voice rang though to him. As soon as Platt heard Jay's voice, her own softened. It wasn't like her. Jay never usually heard this side of her but then again, anything involving Erin - good or bad - brought a sense of normalcy to her. Platt's worry was clear. He had expected as much. He gave her the same update as he had given Hank.

The third call was the easiest of the three. The subject matter itself was still as difficult as ever but by the time that he dialled the final numbers into his phone, Jay's voice had become accustomed to the painful words that he was repeating. Burgess was just as grateful as the others had been. She would be here as soon as she could.

There were half a dozen other people in the waiting room around him. Their eyes were just as sleep-deprived and red as his were. The expressions on their faces mirrored his own worried one, the one that he had seemed to have adopted following the events of the last few days. He couldn't help but wonder what they were here for. Was it their partners? Their husbands? Wifes? Was it their children? None of them would be wondering why he was here. He couldn't blame them. Tragedy absorbs the mind.

Jay was torn. It was uncomfortable enough being around these strangers let alone his own team. He wasn't sure whether he wanted to be alone or not. In a perfect world he would be with Erin and nobody else, and everything would be okay. He was tired of things falling apart just as they seemed to be getting better.

A hand on his shoulder brought him out of his thoughts. Antonio pulled him into a hug and Ruzek followed him, Hank giving him a small nod and taking the seat next to where he had been sitting.

"Where's Atwater?" Jay asked, noticing that he was missing.

"He said he would come by as soon as he could. He had something to do on the way." Ruzek replied. "Kim's on her way too."

That was the last thing he said to either of them. They both tried to engage him in conversation but the only answers that they received were in the form of nods and shrugs. It didn't take long for them to give each other a knowing look, silently deciding that it was best not to say anything more at all. Hank barely acknowledged the group.

The time passed as slowly as ever. It didn't matter much to Jay though. The hours that he spent in the hospital all seemed to blend into one anyway. He could sit with only Erin on his mind and never get bored. Until he saw a glimpse of blue scrubs, Jay could have sworn that it had only been a few minutes since they had sat down.

The men stood immediately, taking a few steps toward the doctor as he moved closer.

"Well, you've got yourself one hell of a fighter," the doctor smiled, pulling the cap off that was on his head. "Erin is doing great. The surgery went as well as we could have hoped. She's not going anywhere soon though, it's going to be a few sore days."

"Can we see her?" Voight asked.

"She's in post-op right now, so you can see her in a little bit. I'll let you know when."

Jay was grateful that his body went into autopilot at moments like this. It felt as though he had frozen. He hadn't made the conscious decision to shake the doctor's hand and yet his hand moved, and a small smile graced his lips, but his mind still raced. He didn't feel any of it. Standing down as quickly as he had stood up, Voight's voice still met his ears but Jay wasn't listening at all. His brain couldn't make sense of the words. All that mattered was that she was okay. Erin was okay.

"It's probably going to be a while before we can see her," Ruzek spoke suddenly from next to him. Jay heard that. He still wasn't listening but it pierced his thoughts and caught his attention. "I'm gonna make a coffee run. Do you wanna come?"

Jay shook his head. "I'm not leaving her."

"I think you could do with the fresh air," Hank pushed. "C'mon Halstead. You've been cooped up here all day. It'll do you good."

Jay shook his head again. "I said I'm good."

"Jay," the older man started to speak again.

Jay snapped. "If I wanted fresh air I'd go for a walk."

Voight nodded, walking over to him and pulling him up by his arm. "I could do with some fresh air too. Looks like we're going for a walk."

Jay didn't want to question his boss again. He had regretted snapping at him the first time too much to do it again. They walked slowly along the corridor. The silence between them was growing more awkward with each passing moment. It was putting Jay on edge. There was nothing he hated more than this.

"Y'know, partners stick by each others side when times get tough. It's an unwritten rule. The hospital visits and obligatory," Hank spoke suddenly. "But this is not in your job description. I've told you that before."

"It's only been a few days."

"And it's taking over your life. I get that you guys are close." They stopped suddenly. Jay turned towards the older man, whose arms were folded firmly across his chest. "Do I have to remind you again that in-house relationships are off limits?"

"No," Jay shook his head. "I guess I should start looking for a new job though, given that things are official."

"Excuse me?"

"Erin and I are going out." It sounded childish saying it out like that but he was trying to stand his ground. Voight was attempting to stare him down. Jay wasn't going to back down that easily, even if it meant his career was on the line.

* * *

"Hey boyfriend," Erin said, the corners or her mouth twitching upwards as their eyes met. They were fighting to stay open at all, the drugs in her system still wearing off, but it was obvious that she was trying hard for him. Jay liked it when she was like this. Not half drugged up, but when she had a smile on her face and wasn't so worried about being a hardass. "You're still here."

Everyone had been and gone. Erin had been grateful that her team had been here for her but peace was all that she needed. Jay had waited until the very end to come in himself. It wasn't like he was going anywhere anyway.

"Maybe avoid saying that around Voight right now," he smiled back. "I should probably get a hobby or something."

"Yeah, you should," she agreed, nodding slight. She brought a hand up, feeling the tube at her nose. "What's the verdict?"

"With you or with Hank?" Jay hesitated, pulling her hand away from her face with his own. He couldn't help but look at her for a few more moments. "You'll survive."

"Damn, I was hoping for something a little more exciting than that." Erin smirked.

"You're kidding right? You better be kidding," Jay laughed. "I don't know how you've coped this far in this place. I've spent enough time in here the past few to last me a lifetime and I'm not even the one on the bed."

"And Hank?"

"He'll get over it. I almost sacrificed my job all together but I guess I'm lucky that he loves you so much." Jay let out a deep breath. "A probationary period. I think that's what he called it. I don't see myself breaking your heart any time soon though."

"He didn't even mention it when he was in here. I don't think it's my heart that he should be worried about," she smirked. "You didn't have to stick by me this whole time."

"There's no place I'd rather be," he replied sincerely, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. "I'm not going to lie though, I considered breaking you out at one point."

"Do it. Please. Go and take me with you," Erin said, feigning desperation. Her expression softened. "Seriously though, you should go. You have to get back to work at some point. Get back to some normalcy. I'm not going to disappear as soon as you turn your back."

"When is it ever going to sink in," he smirked and shook his head. Her eyebrows scrunched down in confusion. "I'm never going to turn my back on you. You shake my entire existence, Lindsay. I can feel my heart twisting and turning, waiting to break, every time something goes wrong like it's waiting to lose you. Every time I'm by your side I feel the urge to stare at you for hours, memorise every detail of your face in case it's the last time I'll ever see it. I'm too scared to turn my back on you."

"Jay," she sighed. Her eyebrows were still scrunched to her eyes and she licked her lips. He could tell that she was pushing back tears. That was always the expression that she had when she was trying not to break down in front of, in front of anyone. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I don't wanna make you cry," he said. "But there's nothing wrong with it. You need to start believing that. You're the one that's hurt, you don't have to always be the tough one. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that."

Erin opened her mouth quickly, barely allowing him time to get the last word of his sentence out before she started her own. "Jay, I appreciate you being here for me. I really do. You are everything I need and more, and I can't thank you enough for that, but just because I'm in this bed doesn't mean that I'm broken, okay? I know that it's okay to cry and I know that it's okay to let my feelings out. I will if I need to but I don't have to spill my guts the moment it washes over me. That's not me. It never has been and it never will be."

Jay thought for a moment. He knew that she was right. "When you hold it all in I don't know where I stand. I look into your eyes and they don't tell me anything because you put up walls all around yourself."

"I don't have to be an open book every single second of my life. What's so wrong with that?"

"Where does that leave me then?" he questioned. Erin pulled her hand away from his. They weren't raising their voices. It wasn't an argument.

"I've been like this since the moment that we met, Jay. Things don't just suddenly change because we've decided to put a label on us." She shook her head as she spoke, smoothing her hair back with the hand she had pulled from his grasp. "What happened to giving me time? What happened to just being there? What happened to waiting for when I'm ready?"

"I am. I'm sorry. That hasn't changed. It's just frustrating. Not being able to get into that head of yours isn't something I've ever gotten used to. I just love you too much to let something like this tear you apart," Jay replied. Their eye contact broke immediately. He could see her searching for something so say, searching for the appropriate reply, but he knew that whatever she said wouldn't be what he really wanted to hear. But it was okay. "I'll wait for you. You don't have to say I love you back, to say I love you."

 **Thank you so much for reading. I know it's heavy on the Linstead romancey 'I love you but you're a hardass and won't admit it but I'm here for you anyway' stuff but what can you do. How does a time jump sound for the next chapter? I'm getting a little stuck on how to write any more hospital scenes.**


	9. Chapter 9

It was strange being back in his house. _Her_ house. Erin wasn't sure if she could call it that anymore. There was something about standing in Hank Voight's kitchen on a monday morning that made the brunette feel like she was the same scrawny 15 year old hardass that she had been when he had taken her in all those years ago. It wasn't a feeling that she had particularly liked. Of course she had come back to visit every now and again but this time was different. In the time since she had moved out very little had changed at all. The same tacky magnets were on the fridge and the same off-white microwave was sitting in the corner. Luckily for Erin, the coffee machine still worked like a dream.

The pain that was aching deeply behind her ribs was also a feeling that Erin didn't particularly like but in the last week or so of being out of the hospital she had made the effort to get used to it. It was that same pain that drew her out from her comfortable bed to the kitchen. Hank had left her medication on the counter for her before he left for work - a glass of water waiting by their side. The brunette wasn't entirely sure how long she had been staring at the pills but she couldn't help but freeze for a few minutes.

Erin usually hated having to take a tylenol when she had a headache nevermind anything stronger. She couldn't help it. The memories of her youth came flooding back regardless of how much she tried to avoid them. They flooded back and Erin couldn't stop herself from cringing, but she knew that there was nothing that she could do about it. She knew that she wouldn't be able to cope with the pain otherwise. It was agony. Erin had to keep reminding herself that she had been shot - it was okay to take the. Painkillers and antibiotics were making her life a hell of a lot easier. It was less difficult for her if she just let them do their job.

It wasn't that she was afraid of them. She wasn't afraid of the stupid pills. She was just afraid of old habits coming back into her life. Erin knew how easy it would be to fall down the slippery slope that drugs would make for her. Jay would never forgive her if she did something like that. Erin was surprised that Hank hadn't already given her some lecture or speech about trust, and what he expected of her, as soon as had picked up her prescription. He had just left them all here for her without a second thought. The brunette found it hard to believe that his mind didn't at least wander slightly. She wouldn't blame him for even the smallest passing thought. Memories of her teenaged self were bound to drift back into his head at times like this. Erin wouldn't blame him at all if they did.

It was easier when she was in the hospital. Everything was easier when she was in the hospital. There she couldn't control any of it. Erin would be lying if she said that there wasn't a part of her that wanted it all to go away. A part of her that wanted to numb the pain and make the outside world go away. A part of her that just wanted to push the pain away. There was a small voice in the back of her head that told her life would be easier if she just took all of the pills. Erin tried to ignore it.

Before she could even pick the small pile up, a noise at the front door caught her attention. Erin's head whipped around painfully, searching for the source of the sound. She wasn't up for any visitors. She didn't want any visitors. She just wanted to be alone. She had barely been able to keep up a conversation with Voight for the past week without losing her breath never mind with anyone else. The brunette threw the pills into her mouth and downed the glass of water quickly, placing the empty glass back on the counter and wiping her face.

The floorboards beneath her feet creaked with every slow step that she took forward. Erin pulled the wooden door open and the sunlight hit her face in a wave. It was far too early for this.

"I figured that since you're avoiding me, I would come to you," Jay said. He was wearing his usual smug boyish grin and it drove Erin insane. He held up a brown paper bag in front of her, rustling it slightly a few inches away from her face, and she tried to remain straight faced. "Brunch."

"I leave you alone for a few days and you start eating 'brunch'?" Erin smirked, forcing a joke. "Who are you and what have you done with my partner."

"Well, I know that you've probably only had a cup of coffee this morning." Jay tilted his head to the side. "So if it means that you are definitely eating something - I am a brunch type of guy."

Erin frowned. "I don't need a babysitter." The brunette took a step back, letting him into the house. He smiled again and stepped past her, stopping in front of her for a second or two. "What?"

"Nothing," Jay replied. "It's just good to see you."

He knew that she was right. The last thing that Erin needed was a babysitter. She just needed someone to be looking out for her. Jay had volunteered to be that someone before Voight had even asked. He put himself forward to stop by and check up on her before his boss could ask anyone else. He would have done it regardless. Hank had been accepting of their relationship while Erin was in the hospital, eventually. It was just taking him a little longer to get used to now.

She gave him a small smile but tried to change the subject quickly. "I'm not that hungry."

Jay shook his head, walking away from her and towards the dining room table. "I think you've mistaken me for someone that is going to take no for an answer." Erin followed closely behind him, letting out an audible sigh in protest. He placed the bag down on the surface and began emptying the contents. "Water, juice or coffee?"

"Coffee," Erin replied. "Please."

The brunette watched as her partner disappeared into the kitchen, reappearing a minute or so later with two mugs in his hands. He sat down across from her and pushed a small container of salad towards her.

"Ah yes, vegetables," Erin smirked, raising an eyebrow questioningly. "The ultimate comfort food."

"It's good food. You like this place," Jay laughed. "I know you've probably been eating like garbage when Voight's not around."

She started to poke her food around, not wanting any more argument from her partner. Jay was practically finished before she had taken a few forkfuls. Her appetite had almost completely gone since she had gotten out of the hospital. Even while she was in there she hadn't wanted to eat anything.

"I'm can't eat anymore."

"Erin," Jay frowned. "I'll sit here all day if I need to."

"No, I can't," she replied, giving him a reassuring smile. "I'll finish it later."

"Promise?"

"Promise." Erin took a few small sips of her coffee. She had missed it. She hated the white crap that they served in the cafeteria of Chicago Med. The worst thing about it was that Jay and Voight always made her drink decaf. At home she could have all the black, rich, caffeinated bliss that she wanted. "Shouldn't you be getting back."

"I have some time," he smiled.

As much as she appreciated the company, there was a part of Erin that just wanted him to leave. To leave her with her thoughts. "Okay."

Erin pushed herself up off the seat slowly. The pain in her chest had dulled down. It always felt better when she was distracted and her mind was off of it. That, and the painkillers sure as hell helped. She winced as she stood up and Jay frowned at the sight of her. He knew that she was fine but he couldn't help but be worried. He hated seeing her in pain.

"Are you okay?" Jay said, following her as she began walking into the living room. "Do you need anything?"

"I'm fine," she replied. "I just want to lie down for a while."

She sat on the couch, letting out a deep breath. Jay sat next to her. Neither said anything else. He looked over to the brunette. Her eyes were wide open and staring up to the ceiling. Jay pulled a cushion out from behind his back, reaching over and pulling on her arm as he placed it on his lap. "C'mon."

"What are you doing?"

"You said you wanted to lie down," he replied. Jay pulled on her arm again and she didn't protest - falling to the side and resting her head down on top of his makeshift pillow. He smiled again and brushed her hair away from her face with his fingers. "So, you never did answer my question."

"What question?" The words fell past Erin's lips without her even opening her eyes. Jay felt selfish for disturbing her. It was the most peaceful that he had seen her in weeks. Then again, this was the most that he had seen of her in the last week.

"Why you're avoiding me."

"That wasn't phrased as a question," she smirked slightly. "You just said that I had been avoiding you."

"Details." Jay couldn't help but let a grin fall onto his face. Before he could say anything else, he felt the vibrations of a cell phone against his arm. It was Erin's. His was lodged firmly in the pocket of his jeans.

Erin reached her arm up and grabbed the phone. She sighed as she noticed the name that had appeared brightly on the screen. "Bunny however, I am definitely avoiding her." She pressed the red icon and threw her the iPhone to the other end of the couch by her feet, picking up the remote control and turning the television on. "I hate daytime TV."

"Is she hassling you?"

"She's just worried." Jay started to run his fingers through her hair again. She relaxed into his touch and began flicking through the channels mindlessly. "I mean, Voight told her what happened. I've not spoken to her much since then."

"Do you want me to go to her bar," he replied. "I could have a word with her."

"It's fine. She'll get over it," Erin said. "Let's talk about something else, Halstead."

"Okay, sorry," he chuckled. "So how long is Voight keeping you captive in here?"

"It's better than the hospital. I'm not complaining."

The brunette couldn't deny that it was a little weird. Since Erin had moved out, she had been back to stay a handful of times, and she loved doing it, but she always made sure that it was never more than a day or two. This time around she was coming up on a week and the routine was proving more uncomfortable than the tube that had been lodged in her chest. The night that she was discharged, Voight had made up her bed in her old room. Nothing had changed there either. Neither her or Voight had the heart to redecorate the room that Camille had made for her. Before, it didn't matter to Erin. It used to be comforting. The more than she stayed in that room and the more time she spent staring at the four walls around her, it made Erin start to hate it. Every time that she opened her eyes she was reminded of her reality. Every time she closed her eyes all she saw was Nick and Nadia. Erin had realised quickly that her sleepless nights were better spent on the couch.

"It must be weird for you."

She wasn't going to tell Jay or Voight the truth though.

"It's not so bad."

"At least you have your own key," Jay replied. His mind drifted back to when Voight had been kidnapped. He had been so surprised that she was able to let herself in. He never imagined that months later he would find them both in the position that they were in.

"Yeah," she smiled.

Erin also had no intention of telling Hank just how much Bunny had been calling her. He had never actually said it out loud, but Erin knew that he was worried about her going to see her mother. If leaving her with her own painkillers hadn't brought bad habits back then spending time with Bunny certainly would. The less that Hank knew, the better. It made life easier for everyone.

She couldn't help but think that Jay's life would be a lot easier if she wasn't around. If he didn't have to be there for her, like this. She had almost forgotten just why she had avoided seeing Jay in the last seven days. It was nice having him beside her. Too nice. She didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve anyone's sympathy. Erin sat up suddenly, grimacing slightly at the movement.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she replied, shaking her head. It was too much. Jay shouldn't have to be here. "Listen Jay."

"That doesn't sound like the start of something good." His expression turned anxious. Erin couldn't help but feel guilty. He didn't deserve her.

Erin paused, thinking through her words carefully. She wanted him to be here. She wanted Jay. But Jay didn't need someone like her. Not now. She was nothing but bad news. "When we were in the hospital we said a lot of stuff."

Jay frowned. "We did. I meant all of it."

"I was on a lot of drugs," Erin sighed. "I shouldn't have said everything that I said."

"What do you mean?"

"This. Us. It's too much."

He laughed slightly. He couldn't believe that this was happening. "You're pushing me away."

"Jay," she said with a deep breath. "You don't need this."

" _You_ ," he replied, pulling her back to lie down. "Are crazy for thinking that there's anywhere else that I'd rather be."

"It's not about that."

"What's the problem then?" Jay said, playing with a strand of her hair. "I like you. You like me. Voight is alright with it all. There's nothing holding us back."

"You make a good point."

"I make many good points," he smirked. "My next one is that you need to sleep." Erin had already closed her eyes again. "I'll be here."

* * *

It was cold when she woke up. Her head was flat on the sofa and her skin was sticking to the leather. As much as she wanted Jay to leave beforehand, his absence made her heart sink. Erin sat up slowly again, her bare feet hitting the cool wooden floor, and reached for her cell phone. Bunny had called a few more times. There were a few messages too.

Her mother wanted her to call her. To text her back. To lend her some money. To stop by the bar.

Voight was going to be home late. Again.

Jay was sorry for leaving. It was an emergency. _I love you_.

Erin closed her cell phone quickly without replying to anyone. She couldn't help but be slightly relieved as her stomach growled. It was the first time that she felt hungry in days. She could get used to it. The brunette pushed herself up off of the couch and made her way back to the table. The salad that Jay had bought for her was still sitting, practically untouched, though her partner had moved his trash.

She sat down in the seat that she had been in earlier in the day, lifting her fork and digging it into a piece of avocado. She hadn't weighed herself in a while but she knew that she was bound to have lost a few pounds. She felt as though she had lost it anyway.

It only occurred to her once she had finished that for the first time since the accident, she hadn't dreamt of Nick or Nadia. There was nothing. No dream. No nightmare. Nothing. It was the best sleep that she could have asked for. Erin couldn't help but think that she had Jay to thank for that.

 **Thank you for reading. I know it kind of sucks. Definitely not my best chapter but I am eternally grateful that you are reading this anyway. Please let me know what you thought and what you want to see.**


	10. Chapter 10

"Being on paid leave doesn't seem all that bad," Jay commented with a small smirk. He picked up his cup again and finished the last dregs of coffee that were lingering at the bottom of it. It had been a long day. When Erin wasn't at work with him it felt even longer. Especially when he spent the whole time thinking about her. "I feel like I could use it sometimes."

If she had been closer to him she probably wouldn't have slapped his arm. Erin returned the smirk, finishing her own cup quickly. There wasn't enough caffeine in the world to soothe her tired eyes. "Well, if you're down with getting shot at then I'm sure I can work something out for you."

He paused suddenly, realising the mistake that he had made in choosing those words. It had been a few weeks since the 'incident' but Jay knew that the wounds were still fresh. Metaphorically, that was. He was grateful that her actual injuries were healed enough for his partner to leave the house comfortably. "Sorry."

Erin half-smiled and shrugged. She would go back to work for free if it meant that she could have her life back. Whatever this was, it wasn't living. She knew that she wasn't making it any easier for herself. The one thing, or person rather, that made everything a little easier was Jay, and all that she had done since she had gotten out of the hospital was push him away. She couldn't help it. "Don't worry about it."

The brunette figured that she would have regained a little more normality in her life by now. Her stitches were finally out and the wound had long started to heal over. Her appetite was almost back too. At least, she could hold everything down. Wanting to eat, however, was another matter. Coffee was her favourite pastime these days. Erin had even managed - God knows how - to convince Hank to let her move back into her own apartment. It wasn't the same though. Nothing was the same. She hadn't gotten a decent sleep since the day that Jay had brought her lunch and sat with her on Hank's couch.

Erin couldn't even remember the last time that she had slept through the whole night. Hospital sedation aside, sleep evaded her. There was always something that was keeping her awake. There was always some terrible thought that would creep back into her mind when she least expected it. If it wasn't something keeping her up, then it was something that would edge itself into her dreams and force her eyes open again. The image of Nick lying on the ground had been burned into the back of the brunette's eyelids. The image of Nadia had been there for weeks. It didn't make it any easier though. They were both too young to be gone, and she had been given far too many second chances at life than she deserved. Erin could see them every single time that she closed her eyes. They followed her everywhere that she went. A part of her wasn't sure if they'd ever leave her.

The waitress walked by them again and refilled both of their cups with black liquid. Erin was grateful. Erin raised an eyebrow questioningly as the waitress smiled at Jay, holding eye contact with him for a few moments whereas she had barely glanced at the brunette. She had seen girls try and flirt with Jay left, right and centre since they had become partners. It didn't matter where they were. Erin had noticed it the minute that Jay had walked through the doors of the cafe. He had sparked the young waitress' interest immediately. She didn't blame her. She just could help but feel a twinge of jealousy when it happened. Jay, on the other hand, was just as blissfully unaware as he usually was.

"So," Jay changed the subject. He gave the waitress a small smile as she walked away. He was clueless. "When do you think that you'll be back at the district? Not that I want you back there any sooner than you need to be. It's just quiet without you. Everyone misses you."

Erin hadn't thought much about it. That was a lie. The thought crossed her mind constantly. The district was a mountain that she wanted to climb but the thought of having a gun by her side, or back in her hands again, was terrifying. Not that she was going to admit that to anyone if they asked her. She hadn't even considered bringing up a return to work with Voight. She missed the thrill and the satisfaction of being out on the job. She missed the routine. Erin knew how apprehensive her boss would be about it. It was practically a miracle that he had let her move back into her apartment so soon. If it were up to Voight, he would have her wrapped up in bubble wrap for the rest of her days.

Living independently was one thing. Work was a completely different matter. Being back in her own bed was great, regardless of the fact that she didn't do much sleeping, but being back in the line of fire wasn't something that she could just go straight back into so easily. The brunette knew that she was the type of person that tried to jump back in at the deep end instead of sitting behind her desk while she got back into the swing of things. She had never been rational like that. As much as she wanted to be back with her team though, Erin didn't know if she would be able to cope with it all.

"Soon," Erin replied. She would tell herself that until she started to believe it too. "Hopefully."

Jay nodded. He was glad that she had asked him to meet her. They had exchanged a few texts here and there but Erin had always been too dry for the conversation to survive. He didn't take it personally though. Jay wanted to support her but he didn't want to crowd her. He knew that she needed time and space to figure everything out on her own. The one thing that he didn't want was for her to push him away completely.

"Can I ask you a question?" He said suddenly, taking a drink of coffee as he thought through his next words.

"Sure," she laughed.

Jay sighed. "What is this?"

"Um," Erin furrowed her brows, confused. She motioned to the mug that was sitting on the table in front of her. "Coffee?"

He chuckled, glancing around the rest of the diner. "I mean, us."

"You know," she shrugged. "I don't really know. Is that such a bad thing though?"

"No," Jay replied, his lips tightening into a thin line. He looked down at his lap. "I've been thinking about this. About this all being too much. I came on too strong. I mean, I know that we have something, but if you really want to cool it off then I'm okay with that."

Erin let out a deep breath. "I'm sorry that I've been flaking out on you."

"You don't have to apologise."

"No," she shook her head. It was true. She felt guilty about what she had put Jay through. He never asked for any of this. It was hard enough seeing him cut up when she was in the hospital. He didn't deserve for her to be such a jerk. She just needed time and he cared too much. "You're just trying to help."

He reached over, gently placing his hand over her own. "Partners have each others' back."

Erin nodded slowly. Jay was everything that she needed and more. Why couldn't she just let herself have him. She turned her hand around, lacing her fingers through his own. They were warm and welcoming. His touch made her feel safer than she had in weeks.

"Can you do me a favour?"

"Anything."

"I need you to take me somewhere."

"Okay," he replied.

Jay didn't need to ask anything else. The details didn't matter to him. Erin stood up quickly, taking a quick swig of coffee before moving away from the table. Jay followed swiftly behind and slapped a note on top of the table, giving the waitress a small smile as they walked out of the diner. He wasn't worried about the change. Erin couldn't help but smirk slightly at the sight. She had noticed that waitress' face when she had been holding her partner's hand. Her disappointment was even more evident as the door closed behind them both.

* * *

Erin puffed her cheeks as she slid back into the passenger seat of the car before letting out the breath that she had been holding. Her face was red and nipping from the cold outside but she had barely noticed at all. Her shaking hands had been forced deep into her pockets and her beanie rested on top of her head just as it usually did. The sight of Jay in the driver's seat was strange. For a moment she could have forgotten about all of their problems and imagined that they were just out on another case. The blissful notion didn't last long at all.

"Are you okay?" Jay wasn't entirely sure what else he was supposed to say. The words had lost most of their past meaning to him. He had said the phrase more times in the past month to Erin than he had in his entire life. He knew that it was rough for her. He knew that she wasn't okay.

He placed a hand carefully on her thigh and she relaxed instantly at his touch. She hadn't even realised how tense she had been. The man next to her brought her back to reality as she nodded. "I'm better."

"Okay," Jay smiled. He was almost relieved. Of all the answers that she could have given him, being better was one of the greater ones. It was better than what he had hoped, that what he had expected. That was all he could really ask for.

"Thank you for bringing me here," she replied.

Cemeteries had never been one of Erin's favourite places. They always tended to set her a little on edge and the silence always made her uneasy. There weren't a lot of people there at that time of night. Her visit hadn't been long. It had taken her a few moments to find Nick's grave. She already knew where Nadia's was. She hated that she was already so familiar with it.

He shook his head. "Don't mention it. If you want me to come with you again then just call me."

"Okay."

Jay spoke suddenly, breaking the silence that had grown between them in the last few moments since Erin had replied to him. He gave her a soft smile. Life was hard enough for her right now. He wanted to cheer the brunette up. "So. If you're up for it - absolutely no pressure - we could swing by Molly's? I'm sure everyone would be glad to see you."

She thought for a few seconds. It would be good to see everyone. She had barely seen her friends since when she had been in hospital, nevermind when she had finally been discharged. Kim had stopped by a couple of times but Erin hadn't been in the mood for talking. She had gotten the message. Olinsky had come over one night to talk to Voight about something, and he had stayed for a nightcap. That was it. It wasn't any of their faults though. She had chosen to isolate herself. It was what she wanted.

Erin wanted to see them now. Just not tonight.

"I think I'm just going to head home," she shrugged. The brunette looked down at her partner's hand. It was still resting on top of her thigh. She couldn't look into his eyes. She would only be met with disappointment and she already felt guilty enough about everything.

"Okay," Jay nodded. He didn't expect her to say yes. He figured that it would have been a little too much but he couldn't help but take a chance. "I'll give you a ride."

Erin smiled softly. "Thanks."

The journey was quiet. It was strange for them both when Jay was behind the wheel. It was different but nice at the same time. Under a different set of circumstances he might have enjoyed himself, but he was struggling to keep his eyes on the road and off of his partner. Erin was staring intently out of the passenger side window; watching as the bright lights of the Chicago streets passed her by. Or rather, she watched as the car passed by the lights. She had always loved them. They made her feel calm. Like nothing else in the world mattered. The nagging thoughts in the back of her mind never took long to arise and disturb her peace though.

The minutes that it took to get back to her apartment passed by quickly. They were both grateful for that much.

"I'll see you soon?" Jay asked. If it were up to him then he would be seeing her every day again. If it were up to him then he wouldn't be phrasing his sentence as a question.

Erin hesitated. The words that she really wanted to say to her partner were getting stuck in her throat. "Do you want to come inside?"

Jay frowned. "Are you sure?"

Erin nodded. "Yeah."

The corners of his mouth twitched upwards as she replied. The brunette opened the door of the car and slid out of her seat, her feet landing on the smooth pavement that lay outside of her apartment. Jay followed her actions, locking the car swiftly behind him. The walk up the stairs was as silent as the car ride had been but neither of them felt uncomfortable. Erin fumbled with her set of keys, pushing one finally into the door and opening it.

There were a few empty takeout containers still lying on her kitchen counter but Jay pretended not to notice them. A twinge of guilt hit him. He should have been making sure that she was taking care of herself.

"We could find a movie to watch if you want?" Jay broke the silence just as he had earlier.

The brunette slid of her coat, throwing it over the arm of her couch and turning to face him. She ran a hand through her hair. "Sure."

She looked more tired than ever. Jay knew that she probably wouldn't make it through any film. "Or we could just lay down for a little while? You look like you could do with the rest."

Erin sighed. It was like he had read her mind. "That sounds perfect."

"How have you been sleeping?"

"Honestly," the brunette shrugged. "I haven't really been doing much sleeping."

Jay frowned. "Erin. You should have said something."

"It's fine," Erin said, attempting to brush it off. "But laying down sounds great right about now."

He tilted his head to the side, staring into his partner's tired eyes for a second as a thought came to mind. It was the best idea that he had had for a long time, but he couldn't help but worry that she would knock him down if he brought it up. "When I brought you lunch at Voight's a few weeks back - how did you sleep then?"

"Great," she replied honestly, though frowned slightly at the randomness of the question. "Why?"

He took a step towards his partner, taking her hand in his own and smiling softly. He pulled her towards the bedroom. He had an idea.

"Jay," Erin sighed. "I'm not in the mood. Please."

He chuckled. "Get your mind out of the gutter. Just come with me."

"Jay," she persisted, but he ignored her.

As they came closer to the bed, he finally stopped - taking his jacket off and pulling his t-shirt over his head. She frowned again but watched intently.

"Put this on," he said, handing her the shirt and turning away from her.

Erin walked over to the other side of the bed. She wasn't a shy person. She just couldn't help but glance over her shoulder and she pulled of her own t-shirt. In her life, she had gathered dozens of scars - they were war wounds littered across her body - but there was something about her newest one that made her stomach turn. It was a scar that she never should have gotten. It was a reminder of the fact that she had let someone else die. It was a reminder that it was all her fault. Jay didn't need to see that.

She slid down her jeans slowly and stepped away from them, glancing over her shoulder again. Jay was gazing outside of her window, waiting for permission to turn back around again. She winced slightly at the coldness of the wooden floor beneath her feet. Erin pulled on his shirt, breathing in the smell of the deodorant that was lingering on the fabric. It was one of her favourite smells.

"You can look now," she said quietly, her voice no more than a whisper.

Jay tried not to stare for too long after he turned back around. His eyes were drawn to her bare legs but he forced them upwards quickly. The moved towards the bed without saying anything else. Jay pulled the covers back and lay down without a second thought. It took Erin a moment to follow him. He reached an arm out and she finally took a step forward.

As soon as she was on the bed, she brought her head down to rest on Jay's bare chest. It was warm, and welcoming. She could hear the slow, steady beat of his heart. It was comforting. Her breathing subconsciously started to follow the same pattern. Jay let his hand fall on top of her head gently, running his fingers through her hair.

"Try and sleep," Jay said. "For me. Please."

Erin couldn't argue with him. She took a deep breath, settling into Jay's touch, and closed her eyes.

 **Sorry that it's taken me so long to update. I'm working on a lot of projects at the moment. Thank you for reading! I really appreciate the support. Leave me a review if you feel inclined. It's super encouraging when you get feedback.**


End file.
